Science schmience - Google Earth "finds" Nessie
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It is incredible that the biggest news story of last week, or perhaps even the last year (oh to hell with it, perhaps even in history!) didn’t make the front page of the world’s press. This story was outrageously overlooked in favour of trivial matters such as the global economic recovery and Korean peninsula relations. I’m referring of course to the fact that the Loch Ness monster has been found!
Well, sort of. What has actually been “discovered”, via Google Earth, is a dark shadow on the surface of the loch. Oh, and it might actually be the Ness Express tour boat, which regularly cruises the waters. But it’s still exciting news nonetheless, isn’t it? Well, not really. You see there is one tiny problem with the Loch Ness monster: that pesky, perennial party-pooper, science. Nessie hunters - who appear to be a slightly eccentric bunch of bearded, kagool-wearing camping and caravan enthusiasts – seem to forget one rather important detail; that it has been scientifically proven, to a degree of practical certainty, that the Loch Ness monster does not, and cannot, exist.
In 2003, the BBC conducted a comprehensive search for Nessie, using the latest satellite and sonar technology. The sonar scanning had enough resolution to detect a small buoy, yet no Nessie-sized animal was found. You might argue that it was hiding in a cave, or wherever prehistoric sea monsters prefer to take an afternoon nap. Well, sadly that’s not possible either. The geological make up of Loch Ness means that the sides of the lake are smooth, with no crags or caves. They also made another rather pertinent point; if Nessie does exist, there must be a Mr Nessie as well, and eventually some baby Nessies. Otherwise Nessie not only defies the best efforts of the searchers, but also the aging process.
I can understand why Nessie hunters may develop a touch of selective amnesia regarding this. After all it does somewhat make their entire lives’ work, well, pointless. In fact, I feel rather heartless writing this. For these bushy-bearded believers, putting forward scientific arguments against Nessie’s existence is akin to telling a child that Father Christmas couldn’t possibly visit every kid’s home in one night - fact! So let them just carry on with their searches; after all, it keeps them off the streets and provides a good boost to the Scottish tourism industry. And let’s face it, Nessie does still make an interesting story, even if she can no longer hold the front pages.
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